Friday, October 17, 2008

And let me subject you now.....

Here comes the long list of things I dislike, starting from the top:
1. My hair: It's naturally curly, coarse, ridiculously thick and there's lot's of it. I do need to give it props that it grows quickly, usually an inch a month, but this month it grew 2 because I've been making so much effort on it's growth. However, it is truly beyond damaged. Let me give you a quick overview. I have about 18 inches of growth. The last 2 inches have been through the following: Being bleached to a level 1 at home and then tinted. Being darkened and then highlighted, Being bleached and tinted back down to a level 3. Having bleach taken through every 3 weeks. Being double process darkened back to my natural dark blah brown color. Being dyed black. Being home dyed black a thousand times. Being bleached from black back down to a level 3. Being darkened with Natural Instincts again. The worst was definitely the bleach down from black and that is really 14 inches of the length so I really only have 4 inches of decent hair and 2 inches of virgin. In addition until recently I was never a big fan of heat protectants despite blowdrying and straightening almost every time I wash (very rarely do I let it air dry and go natural). It is truly depressing and an endless battle with unmanageability.
2. My face: I have really puffy eyes, with horrible circles. My eyes themselves are completely blank and non-descript until I cake on tons of makeup. My nose is huge and misshapen and just looks bad. My lips are just plain boring, somewhat thin, just non-descript. I have this fugly mole on the bottom underside that looks like a raging case of herpes when my lips get pale for some reason. My teeth are yellowy and stained, jagged here and there and still have ridges on the bottom like babies do. And let's not even begin with my skin. I have had horrible acne since I was 12. I have so many scars, so many blackheads, so much unevenness. My pores are crater like and truly distressing especially on my cheeks and forehead. I have tons of red veins and no joke, at the age of 20 I have started getting my first fine lines on my forehead (there's no doubt that's due to my tanning addiction but nevertheless). My skin is my constant fight.
3. I have Keratosis Pilaris on my arms and a few small stretch marks from weight gain. My elbows are crocodile-ish and the hairs are blonde but really long.
4. My bosoms are basically just about to hit the floor. In addition I am breakout prone there too, and again, horrible stretch marks. Every once in a while I get these small white millia like bumps in y cleavage that pop at first touch and release water. God only knows what those are.
5. Then there is the belly pooch. It has plagued my existence for years. There it is, sticking out like a chunky slug from what should be a nice flat feminine tummy. Instead it looks like i'm in my second trimester of pregnancy and my baby is extra heavy. The sad thing is the skin there is easily the best patch on my entire body, in fact completely perfect and holds a tan extremely well but it hasn't been on display since I was 13 and the pooch manifested it's evil self.
6. My back basically looks like a minefield. So many old backne scars and I get really really bad cystic ones during the time of the month that are literally horribly painful. Again, a nice bout of the stretch marks on my love handles and these are the most obvious of all the ones on my body.
7. My butt is a cellulitey, offensive mess. It basically looks like not even a butt, just a mound of cellulite. Cellulite cellulite cellulite.
8. Before I had laser hair removal done on my bikini line I used to get HORRIBLE ingrowns from waxing (which is what led me to laser in the first place). The scars from the ingrowns are still there...yepp.
9. My thighs are easily my most hated body part. After all there's enough square footage to cover every single skin flaw there ever could be (literally, they take over my lower area entirely, my butt and calves are like little specks compared to my thighs). I have the world's largest population of stretch marsk, cellulite covers every last centimeter, I get ingrown hairs that look like pimples, the skintone is uneven, I'm starting to get my first varicose veins, the hair is incredibly stubborn and stubbles within 2 hours of shaving (and I couldn't laser it because it isn't dark enough, however it is still dark enough to be noticeable). To put it mildly, if I could have anything in the world, my first choice would be to have Linda Evangelista's thighs.
10. My lower legs also suffer from cellulite, stretch marks, varicose veins and tough red ingrowns. My knees have old old scars and are rougher than chicken skin. However the worst feature may be the body hair. In this area it is so offensively dark that even when I get a perfect even shave and I am as tan as can be, the roots literally show through my skin. Funnily enough, if I choose not to shave it for more than a week, it all looks lighter and blonder (no one believes me on this, but it really really does). However it also feels like I am part porcupine because it's SO coarse. I think part of the reason I have such a hard time getting a perfect shave is also because my pores are GINORMOUS and actually look like concave lenses. There is a little dryness and flaky white skin around each one and through the middle comes a hair, framed like a work of the Devil's art.
11. My feet as cute as they are, are prone to corns and calluses, in addition to the dry skin that happens on bottom.

Looking like this, you too would be bitter and on a constant quest for cosmetic solutions.

No comments: